


What was and might have been

by bookchan



Category: And Both Were Young - Madeleine L'Engle
Genre: Boarding School, F/F, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 22:49:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookchan/pseuds/bookchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gloria Browne's just arrived to her fifth boarding school and while trying to settle in develops a crush on one of the other girls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What was and might have been

**Author's Note:**

  * For [queenbookwench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenbookwench/gifts).



> When I was rereading the book I noticed that Gloria was paying a lot of attention to Flip in the beginning and really trying to help her out. This story started because of that.

After four different boarding schools Gloria knew how it went. 

"At least this one didn't seem to be too bad." She wrote to her mother.  "Yes, there are uniforms, but at least they weren't as ugly as the ones before."

Still, it was always nerve-wracking meeting her new roommates and the other girls for the first time.  Gloria hoped that this time there would be space for her in their friendships.  Jackie and Erna seemed to be close and had been roommates the year before, but the other girl, Philippa was also new if a bit quiet.  She was going to have trouble here Gloria knew unless something changed.  She'd seen it happen to enough new girls and even herself at her second boarding school before she'd learned how to leave friends behind. 

"I need to remember to offer her some advice on how to fit in better," Gloria thought as she made her bed.  "That nightgown worked better than I hoped for impressing Jackie and Erna and they'll be sure to tell the other girls that I'm not afraid of, what was her nickname?  I got to remember it.  Black and Midnight, that's right."

Gloria found herself drawn to Philippa, noticing if she was quiet during dinner or disappearing somewhere in the evenings instead of joining everyone else in the Hall.  Gloria tried to get Philippa to play ping pong or cards with them, but she'd always say no and go somewhere else.  Soon she started noticing more than that.  Now she was fixated on the way Philippa's hair would glow in the morning like the sun was worshipping her or the way her eyes crinkled up when she smiled.  Those rare smiles became treasured memories for Gloria and at night it was those smiles that found their way into her dreams.

No matter what Gloria did to get one of those smiles from Philippa or even some of her attention, Philippa never seemed to notice.  Finally Gloria found herself reduced to acting like a boy and trying to pull Philippa's pigtails.  Philippa didn't have pigtails, but she did have a few sore spots that Gloria had learned about from rooming with her and Gloria knew that if she pushed on those spots she'd get some sort of response.  Philippa's glares and sullen responses didn't get Gloria's heart racing the way her smiles did, but Gloria was selfish and wanted all of Philippa's attention for herself.  Maybe at some point she'd be able to turn those glares into smiles, but right now those glares were better than Philippa ignoring her for one of those letters from her father or to run off to the chapel.

One of her first attempts to get a reaction from Philippa got Gloria the attention she wanted from her.  Gloria let the other girls think that the nickname Pill was because Philippa was hard to deal with, but really it was because one look at Philippa was all it took to make her day better.  Unsurprisingly Philippa did not like the nickname Pill.  All the girls had picked it up though and every time Philippa heard it she would look for Gloria and glare at her.   It also had the advantage Gloria felt, of letting all the other girls know that Philippa was hers.  She named Pill and she was keeping her.  No one disputed that and Gloria was happy until Madame Perceval or Percy as the other girls called her appeared and stole Pill's attention away.

At first Gloria didn't mind too much that Percy was grabbing pieces of Pill's attention.  Percy was a teacher and fair, it wasn't like she paid more attention to Pill than to any of the other students until she was.  It started with finding out where Pill had been disappearing to every Sunday afternoon.  Apparently she'd been meeting up with Percy's niece!  Then after being caught, instead of being forbidden from seeing her ever again, she was being allowed to continue her visits.  Plus, Percy was now calling her Flip casually in public.  Gloria frowned the first time she heard it happen.

 "How dare she call Pill, Flip!  She's getting way too close to Pill, Pill's mine not hers!" Gloria thought.

Gloria knew she needed to play it just right if she wanted to keep Pills attention now that she had two rivals, Madame Percy and this mysterious Pauline, but she wasn't sure what to do.  Everything that worked before wasn't working now.  She tried to act happy for Pill as more and more of the girls starting calling her Flip, taking away the one claim she had on Pill. 

"Maybe I'd been going about it the wrong way," she thought frustrated. "Why did it have to be Percy and this Pauline that cause her to smile? Why couldn't Pill have drawn me first?  If only I'd finished my assignment before Erna then I'd have been the one Pill drew."

Still Gloria couldn't complain too much.  Pill was now spending more time with her (and the rest of the girls) in the evenings instead of disappearing off to the chapel or outside.  She was even smiling and laughing occasionally.  It always made Gloria's week if she'd been the one to draw out the laugh during one of their games of jacks or ping pong.

Every laugh and smile given to Percy felt like it was like a punch to the gut.  Even worse though were Sunday evenings after she'd spent time with Pauline and had no words for anyone else.  Occasionally Gloria was able to get her to give up some information about this Pauline and she learned that Pauline was older than them, had a dog and wanted to be a doctor.

"How can I compete with that?" Gloria thought as she tried for a jack.  "I don’t have any dreams for the future beyond wishful daydreams about following Pill on her round the world painting trips and that's not something I can share with her right now."

Over the next couple of weeks it Gloria felt like she was slowly making progress with Pill.  If the rare letter arrived for Gloria while Pill was getting her own mail, she'd bring it to Gloria and they chat about their families.  As the holiday season approached, one of those rare letters told her that she'd be staying at the school over Christmas.  Gloria wasn't surprised, her Mom of course would want time alone with her new fiancé and her Dad was probably spending it with his mistress.  It still stung though that none of them wanted her.  When Erna told her that Pill wouldn't be going to visit her Dad for the holidays after all it was like a dream come true.  Here would be the perfect time to win Pill's heart.  Like all dreams, it soon ended.  Pill was apparently going to spend Christmas with Perfect Pauline and Percy, since she couldn't join her Dad and Pill was beyond happy about it.  It was like she didn't even remember the plans that Gloria had been making for them. 

"You knew they were just daydreams, Gloria" she told herself as she looked in the mirror.  "Now get out there and smile!  Remember you can't let them see it hurts."

Then it was finally time for Pill and everyone else who was going to leave to head out, but first there was time for some festivities.  Gloria had a brief moment with Pill during musical chairs that lifted her spirits a little bit, but then Pauline showed up to escort Pill off to where ever they were going to go.  It made Gloria want to scream.  Pauline was everything she feared; older, beautiful and chic in that particular French way. 

"How can I complete with that" Gloria thought as she tossed and turned in her bed.  The room too quiet for once with no one's snuffles and snores keeping the loneliness at bay and Gloria kept having nightmares about Pill returning and ignoring her.  It was towards the end of the holidays that some of Gloria's worst fears were realized.  Pill and Pauline had joined those staying over at Gstaad for dinner and she was forced to watch as Pauline brought Pill to life.  Pill was like a different person, incandescent and lively as she told stories over the dinner table.  Oh how Gloria wished she'd been the one to bring Pill to life like this.  This was the Pill she'd seen in her daydreams, this was the Pill she'd seen hints of and tried to bring out. 

Gloria knew after that dinner that she had no chance anymore with Pill.  She spent the last few days before everyone else came back trying to put the pieces of her broken heart back together.  No one must know how she felt.   She would not be able to stand it if Pill in her happiness looked at her with pity, so she raised her head, smiled her best smile, and went on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                  


End file.
